Category: the Rant Board
many zone members, both male and female, apparently indulge in cyber/phone sex with one or more persons. i have no issue with that and enjoy it myself.
however, it makes my blood boil when a certain female zoner (living in texas), not only refers to, but is also willing to name fellow female zoners who allegedly get off with numerous guys, as sluts, whores and cyber sluts and that the women have a signalling system in place when in publics to alert the men that they are feeling horny and in need of sexual gratification, while, in fact she is doing exactly the same herself.
if you are going to have cyber sex with several guys and phone sex with at least two at the same time, even though you are married, please do not stoop to such levels of hipocrisy.
definition of hipocrisy: the practice of professing standards, beliefs, etc., contrary to one's real character or actual behaviour, esp the pretence of virtue and piety
this particular female member may come across as miss prim and proper/innocent and that butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. this is so far removed from the truth.
she will be named and shamed in a post on the grafiti gossip board later.
I don't understand why it bothers you so much what other people indulge in. I mean, in the beginning, you say you're fine with ciber sex/phone sex/whatever, but when it comes down to one person, you seem so offended. Why care what this person does so much? Are you jealous?
Um, since I'm a married female zoner living in Texas, I feel the need to say that this is absolutely not me. lol
I don't like phone sex or cyber sex. For those who do, awesome, good for ya. I just had to throw that out there.
I totally agree with Ryan, why get your nose all bent out of joint? why are you acting so childish? You are how old? 51? I would never have guessd that by this post. so you are highly offended by hypocrites? He who is without sin cast the first stone. I am so far from perfect, I'm sure I could never live up to your high standards. So are you now going to name and shame everyone on the zone who does not live up to your standards? You are showing your true colors, let this be a warning to all female zoners to stay away from you, if you fall short of the travellers standards you too may be named and shamed as he likes to call it. My advice is for all female zoners to stay as far away from the traveller as possible, it is not worth the risk of getting involved with him, he has now put you on notice that he is capable of extreme vindictiveness and hatred toward females. And by the way, I believe harassment of other users is against the terms of service.
One question, who made you the morality police? Do you have a badge? Is your life so friggin' perfect that you have the right to look down on others for doing what clearly does not involve or partaine to you? Does this person effect your life in the slightest way, or are you just miffed that she is doing something that you consider bad or immoral? How do you know she is using slut in a negative term? Maybe she is proud of her sexual openness? Why are people so ashamed of enjoying sex?
Ok, maybe I have more than one question.
Oh, I forgot one. If you're going to "name and shame" her later. Why do you go out of your way to be enigmatic about it here? Why not just say her name and make yourself look more credible? Right now I think you're mmaking this all up. After you name her, I'll still think you're making it up, but I'll be able to ask her and be proven one way or the other.
Or better yet, why don't we all name everyone who is not perfect on the zone? Oh wait, that would be the entire list of zoners.
Oh and if he names her, I would be shocked if any females on here would ever give him the time of day ever again, it would only make him look like a lo life creep.
exactly, and, Mr. I'm not a Hypocrite, while you feel the need to blame and shame others, I'd just like it to be known to all that this idiot seems to find fault with every woman he notices here. have fun, though, Mr. Hypocrite, while we sit back and watch the show.
chelslicious, I have never even met this creep, and you just confirmed what I suspected about him, imagine that, lol.
Yep. She must have cut him off!
I personally don't Cyber, but I think that the people that do enjoy it should give each other respect and not kiss and tell.
It looks petty, and if you were enjoying it, maybe your list has now been made much shorter as to the people that will trust you with such a private matter.
Oh, but there's one zoner who is perfect, and he's the one who wrote this post. Smile. Just kidding
And can we please not name and shame? It just encourages the bullshit. Thanks.
Hmmm. I mean, that is encouraging exactly what he wants, which seems to be attention and drama. But, we can't tell him what to say and what not to. The floor is his!
I totally agree with margorp, besides, if he names and shames, it would only be fair that all the zoners be named and shamed, and we just don't have the room or time for all the posts it would require to do it, lol.
Nor do most of us care. It's their life. Let them do what they please.
Wayne, if you were referring to me cutting him off where cyber is concerned, no, that isn't what happened. I didn't answer a question the way he wanted, which caused him to get all bent out of shape.
So I wonder how many other girls the traveller has been an ass too, he is sounding more and more like a cyber bully to me!
I'm not defending post 1. I'm not defending the idea of writing about this on the public board.
However, it seems many have misread his complaint. His complaint was not about those engaging in some sort of sexual activities, but his complaint was against those who do so and then ridicule others for doing so.
However, my issue with that, besides writing about it on a public board, is this: People who make a living judging other people generally do what it is they judge others for doing, and second they feel themselves uncomfortable about it.
I, for one, do not engage in the cyber sexual activities, but I also keep out of it. I'm not insecure about it, pining and wishing I could get into it, insecure about my own ideas about personal honor and fidelity to the one I made vows to. But that's just it: since I don't engage, I stay out of it. And that's not just me: I imagine there's lots of others here who also stay out of it, and for whatever reasons are not involved.
To me, even if I was unattached, a cybersexual activity sounds like it would be uniquely unfulfilling, like standing outside a restaurant and imagining eating the food inside and smelling and smelling the aromas, then wondering why you still have an empty stomach. That, I realize, is not a honor-based response it's just preference.
But if you reread his original message his complaint is not about those who engage in the activity but those who do so and then judge others. My issue with his post is only that he put this into the public area rather than speak of it to the person in question, if he has any business at all with her. And, at 51 years old, one would think the poster would by now understand that people who make these judgments are most often very much the experts in the activity they condemn in others.
It's not the oximoron or the conundrum it appears to be: it's just childish insecurity about their own behavior without the honor to either accept or reject it in themselves, and so must make a point of making other participants miserable.
One thing Cody and Chelsea about the word 'slut'. I think that is somewhat of a generation issue. For us, the term slut was used only as a derisive word against women for a shorter dress by some people, or women who were more sexually attractive than your average fundamentalist so said fundamentalist saw her as a threat (back to that teenage insecurity again), etc. And it was a branding word used to deny women access to resources, assasinate their character, etc. Much like a false allegation of rape or sexual assault is for us men today.
Before I knew how people had changed the use of that word, I had confused people by saying 'No, she's no slut,' 'Yes, she's sexually open,' the term sexually open or sexually conrfident meaning what you all are meaning by slut now. Due to the damage I have seen done to women I cannot personally use the term slut against any woman, though I understand sexually open or sexually confident might sound a bit brainy.
Oh one more thing: For women they can do the hypocritical thing by engaging in whatever activity they want but are insecure about, and then judge other women for it or other men.
Men have actually two reasons for hypocrisy: The same as women like I just said, or they can judge a woman's behavior - specifically sexual behavior - after the needling and prompting of their significant other, who is insecure enough to be asking things like "Don't you just feel that is wrong? Why do you think that's OK? I just want to know. I mean, would you do that? You wouldn't be seen with her, would you?" The list goes on ... and on ... and on. And we fool guys fall for it, well some of us not so much anymore, but that is how that particular one works.
I'll prove everything I just said regarding hypocrisy, using an example that is not so charged as sexuality, teenage insecurity, and faith, which are all members of the same situation:
I personally work out. I work out at least 6 days a week, and for the most part (not always), I eat a healthy diet, and I do so for my own reasons. If you don't, if you are the hugest, most ginormous couch potato on the planet, I'm not going to be going around judging your choices. Why not? Because I am not insecure and clinging onto romantic notions about things. I'm personally confident in my own physical abilities, and I maintain those by constantly testing them. If fitness were a faith I would be the biggest skeptic / doubter out there and the preachers would hate me because I am always and forever testing it, pushing its limits. That very testing gives me my own personal confidence, so I need not judge someone else. If I was insecure, if I was looking at some of you who could bench at least as much as I did 20 years ago, then sure. I'd be behaving like a teenager and being all whiny judgmental man-boy really unbecoming of a grown man.
Same thing goes with independent travel as a blind person. I'm not judging the way anyone else gets things done, because honestly I have lived enough life, am confident in my own abilities and brutally honest about my own mistakes enough to not be playing little schoolgirl tattletale games.
I question the motive and methods of post 1, but what he actually wrote had everything to do with the judging of other people for the very thing you yourself are doing. I personally say stick to your own affairs and attend to your own honor and respectability. And when you find people judging others, that just lets you know what activities they wish they could do, were very unsucccessful at, and / or are very insecure about. Judgmental attitude thrives on people's failure, while sticking to your own affairs at least gives you a chance at success.
Oh boy. OP...
looks like someone, namely Mrs. Married Cyber Sex Slut from texas has stuck a thorn up your holier-than-thou ass. Bet it prickles quite a bit, so you feel the need to bitch and complain about it. Well... um...
Let me just sit down with my extra-large bag of popcorn and an ice-cold beer and let's watch the drama unfold. Will the Traveler be able to rip the thorn out of his tight asshole without hurting himself too bad? Hmmmm. Me thinks no.
Ladies and gentleman, thanks for the show.
:)
Wow, if you use google translate to turn this in to truth it reads really differently.
Hi. I'm a very desperate and bored human being who really wants to phone fuck somebody...anybody pleas?
there was this married woman from Texas. I beat off to her audio profile and then pqn'd her asking for some skype sex. She turned me down, so after I wiped the premature ejaculation from my pants, I decided to make some shit up. Because ladies love desperation right? If you wanna know more why not phone fuck me? Plenty of desperation to go around for everyone!
What a whiner.
I took your word, Leo, and reread it. Looks the same to me as it did before, though, I have more question.
You do realize, that calling someone else out for something immediately raises suspicions about yourself? If it bothered you so much, how well did you honestly know this person before you partook in the ciber/phone sex with her? If it's someone who you've not spoken to much, then you have absolutely no reason to call her out, and bitch and moan because you got played, because you neglected to be responsible! And, God forbid, you two ever met in person. That would have been a nasty situation.
Maybe the traveller is confusing hypocrisy with discretion? Obviously something he has no grasp on. I have no doubt he is guilty of talking about zoner's behind their backs, so will the real hypocrite please stand up?
The problem is Leo I see your point about what he is saying, but I don't see her post, or public statements about these other sluts. Where is her accusations?
Now, now chelslicious, don't you know when you are cybering you are playing the game and to keep it interesting you must answer his questions as fitting to your place? I mean, come on, if he is imagineing you naked in your leather office chair, and you say, "well, no, not exactly, I'm wearing a zipped up robe to my neck." You are messing up!
I say play the game right, now.
Oh, forgot to name somebody.
Writer, you're just stengy. I mean you could offter a man a sip of that beer! Shame on you.
Well I'm not standing behind Post 1 just so the matter is clear on that regard.
Uh, what's stengy?
"stengy"
You are sitting in the desert, and you've got 10 gallons of cool water, ice, glasses, and a tent.
A man stumbles out of the heat, and you see he's hot. He ask you for directions, and as you sip your cold glass of water you give him the directions, but you never offer him a glass of water, nor a sit in your tent for a while. You can see he'd like you to ask, but you don't.
Stengy!
Well, this guy does have a history of well, really falling hard for someone, only to write about them on their status when they won't give it up to him. From what i've heard from a few people, he doesn't know how to take no for an answer, thus, we have this situation.
Wayne, it's spelled stingy, you silly creature
Find S T I N G Y!
Dipshit.
And for the record, that wouldn't make a person stingy... or stengy as you put it... it would make them selfish. stingy means cheap. If I didnt' offer to give you my beer, I would sure as hell not offer to buy you one of your own... so maybe that would make me, uh, stengy... but stengy... uh. or stingy... or, stengy... doesn't mean the same thing as selfish.
kahpeesh?
lol
Does that make since? Uh I mean, sense?
Basically, what you're saying is stingy is being selfish, but with money. That isn't the case though. People can be stingy with food, property, posessions, etc.
It's interesting traveler has not come back to this topic to explain himself or respond to any of the criticisms. I can't believe I read this entire thread. LOL. Maybe I'm bored?
amazing how many idiots respond to a post without having the ability to understand it's point. whilst you may notsupport the initial post leo, at least you gave an educated, intelligent and considered response.
don't some on here know that if you name people on the boards you can be reprimanded by the admins but not if you do so in the grafiti gossip board? some people really should learn to read or check out with a cl just how these things work.
as for ryan, didn't you recently name a female zoner called ashleigh in one of your gossip posts? now what on earth had that poor girl done to you? turn you down?
for real: don't you mean stingy with an i rather than stengy with an e? or may be you have your own language wherever it is you reside.
i would ask for only intelligent, informed and reasoned responses but that would drastically limit the number of respondees to less than 5 i'd guess.
Dear god I hope you're not actually 51. Can we flip that number around 15 maybe, how about a 5.1? Seriously, we can't be dealing with someone who is over five decades old. You're whining like you're only that many minutes old.
Alright poindexter, since you can't seem to do it yourself, let me clue you in on a few things. You're obviously a moron so take good notes, if you need to stop and get a pencil I'll wait. You ready to go, got your thinkn' cap on? Good, there's gonna be a test.
The reason few people actually bothered to read your post was that your post was one of the more idiotic, stupid, pointless, childish, whiny, bitchy and stomach churningly ignorant I think I've ever read on these boards. However, if you care to pull up your big boy panties, you might notice that all the posts save maybe one or two addressed what you addressed. This is called, giving a counter argument. I realize that you probably think the word counter means something you keep your easy bake oven on, but here it means an opinion or argument which is opposite yours.
Take my post for example. I asked you who made you the morality police. Lets break this down for a second, and this might get a bit complicated so stop me if you think too hard and get a nosebleed. You say this girl is a hypocrit, that means that she is doing something wrong, not admitting to it, then claiming that other people are sluts when they do it. However, if what she is doing is not wrong, there is no hypocrisy involved. Then she's just misguided.
I also asked you how you knew she was using the word slut negatively. There are, believe it or not, positive uses for the word slut. I know I know, you're shocked and amazed, but hold on to your diaper and I'll get you through this. A lot of girls who are friends call each other slut in jest. Also, a lot of girls, and I guess maybe some guys too, like to be called slut in certain instances. I personally think the first is more likely.
Now I'm not saying this is exactly what happened, because you couldn't manage to give a piece of evidence to back up your argument if it squirted out of your dick the next time you jack off. However, what I am saying is that you haven't proven your point. You still have a ways to go before I believe you.
You want people to take you seriously, prove your premise. First of all, tell us where you posted it on the boards so we can go and look for ourselves. Then, present evidence which clearly displays that the girl in question was not using the word slut in a genial way. That word means in a way that is friendly and happy. Then, present why you have the right and or the responsibility to judge someone else for their actions, and why in the world we should care. You might, if you haven't passed out from effort by that point, tell us how in the world your life is affected, because right now I can't think of a single way you matter in the least.
There you go. I hope you took good notes. We'll see how you did. You can go ask mommy for a snack and a juice box now.
Hold on a second. People can name people on gossip without issue, but not on the boards? Have you forgotten that staff can see all anonymous posts? And, just to clear up any issues, harassing other users and releasing any personally identifiable information about them is not tolerated on any area of the site. If Gossip were safe from that, staff wouldn't be able to see anonymous posts. As for the rest of your issues, might I ask why you're very quiet most of the time, but come out of the shadows and get completely bent out of shape when it comes to cyber sex?
As for your threat to name and shame her on gossip, I'm just going to laugh, like most of the other posters. I would take your complaint about people judging issues when they have no room to talk, except for one little issue: You have no proof, and you have to resort to that anonymous rumor starting haven that is gossip to even so much as name her. OK, I guess that would be two issues. In any event, good luck getting supporters.
On that note, I'm off to confirm this on the Gossip graffiti. I'm curious to see if the post has actually been created.
As far as I'm concerned, and to the best of my knowledge, you can say someone's name or username on here or anywhere else. You can tell about your personal experiences with them, but if you start spreading personally identifyable information about the person, such as things that aren't public knowledge, such as possibly last names, addresses or phone numbers, then you are violating the terms of service here. If you're just upset because the girl in question has had her fun and moved on, all you're really doing is showing that you're a very sore loser, and that you don't take rejection very well. Sure, I understand it's frustrating, especially if the girl in question led you to believe things that weren't true in order to get what she wanted, but it's the net. You've already said she's married, so you knew that before the whole thing started. I don't think her hipocrasy or lack there of has anything to do with why you're so upset, but that's just my opinion.
Definition of hypocrisy, When a certain poster corrects the spelling of another user when the certain poster cannot even spell the word hypocrisy. lol!
Oh, and, just so there is no confusion, the certain poster is the traveller. lol. haha.
Leo, I love your analogy with the restaurant. :)
To the op ¡V what practices people choose to indulge in in the privacy (or not, as would seem to be the case) of their internet/skype/phone connections is entirely their business. The problem with indulging in such activities with what are essentially complete strangers you know only from their names on the internet is that you cannot be assured of their integrity (and in fact if people are prepared to have such intimate conversations with any random people then it might be considered that they are already lacking in integrity in the first place), or their trustworthiness. Equally once you make it known that you enjoy such practices you lay yourself open to be judged for it.
As for "naming and shaming" you wouldn't be the first to do so and I might hazard a guess you certainly won't be the last. Personal attacks count as revealing personally identifyable information about someone, for instance, or making allegations that could be perceived as being of a libellous nature. E.g. an allegation was made about a member some years back saying that said member was a sex offender. He wasn't. Such an allegation without substance could be very damaging to an individual and as such posts were deleted and, if memory serves me correctly, individuals were banned. But "x likes too have ciber sex even though she says she doesn't,¡¨ is hardly going to rock someone's world now, is it? And if we were to remove every "x has said/done/I don't like y because xyz," post that appeared either on the boards or graffiti then we wouldn't have any boards or graffiti.
Indulging in name-calling is childish and counterproductive and I agree that where possible it should be discouraged.
As for who cibers with who, well to each their own. It's all a bit grubby really isn¡¦t it. I don¡¦t particularly want to know, although perhaps having a bit of knowledge of who expects that kind of action might be useful as a good pointer as to who not to agree to have skype/phone conversations with¡K ;)
Wrong sir, admins and community leaders can still see who posts on graffitti even if it's anonymous.
As far as my post is concerned, don't try and redirect the attention to me. This is your moment to shine, so go for it. It was a joke, since there were so many Ashleys on here. It was not directed at any particular Ashley. Maybe if you'd have paid attention to the post, and not be such a vengeful prick, you'd realize that.
I see no point in getting angry with the girl you speak of. You say she does as you do, but apparently judges you? But here you are judging her, why turn around and do as you claim she is doing? What does that make you? That does not make your point valid in my eyes. You say she was married, if you did anything with her, you must've known it wouldn't last long. How many women or men mess around and then leave the marriage? From the looks of it, if I am correct on the girl, she did state above she did not do a thinb, but answer questions in a manner of your unliking. If this is the case, then your such a sad man. Obviously at the age of 51 you are not even close to being intelligent. I would think this would be a 16 year old's post, not an older man. But I guess most boys never become men.
Still no post on the gossip boards, or even the sex anonymous board. I'm thinking you're all talk buddy boy.
Oh, but isn't the suspense just killing you? Hahaha.
The way I see it is, if he names her he will not stand a snowballs chance in hell of cybering with any women on here ever again. As it is, his reputation is pretty much in the toilet, good job buddy! What an idiot! hahahaha!
empty words are sure awesome, aren't they? not.
Maybe not, but they're sure entertaining.
Just in case anyone is interested, from the terms of service.
Harassment of other users is not tollerated. This includes, but is not limited to, the following:
repeatedly annoying other users after they have requested such annoyance to sease
Threats against other users
The spreading of personal information
Using any means to evade a user's ignore settings to contact them
Sending spam or chain letters in public or private communications
Posting content on the website which negatively impacts a user's experience,, such as words which cause screen reading programs to crash, is not allowed. This will be dealt with on a case-by-case basis.
sounds like he's allowed to post her name then. It says nothing about minor slander on there. Lets go MR. 51 who acts like he's 15. Where's the naming and shaming?
That's an interesting way to word that one rule. Anyone could take something negatively on here, but that's person to person. I understand the chain letters and spam though.
Private quicknotes are meant to be just that, private, if you are willing to reveal what fellow zoners have said to you privately, then you are demonstrating yourself to be untrustworthy. So far, from what I can tell, this person has not said one word about you publicly, she is demonstrating herself to be the bigger person, while you are demonstrating yourself to be a total ass and a hypocrite. So you are accusing this Zoner of being willing to name fellow Zoners who engage in cyber activities, which she apparently has not done publicly, yet you are threatening to do the very same thing, in public no less. Who is the real hypocrite here, you need to take a long look at yourself. You sound like a spoiled little baby who didn't get his way, now you are having a tantrum, are you going to lay down on the floor and kick your feet and cry now? Do you need your mommy to change your diaper?
wow! I just looked at this topic.
What I can say is, let them row their own boats to their own destiny? why do we bother? if you like, You too either go by the same direction or go towards your own? we won't question you though.
As long as something keeps you happier, keep going, I say.
Raaj.
The thing that pisses me off is he throws out a bunch of characteristics that could, and quite obviously do, match more than one person.
I think it's safe to say that this has blown up in the Op's face a bit.
I suspect that, having put the information out there that there is a user who behaves like this, he expected the response to be "oooh, tell us who it is, oh, I know a user like that, it's user x/I had a conversation with y once and she told me she doesn't ciber and then i found out she cibered with z and now I'm rejected..." and so on. And in truth, there is quite a lot of that that goes on here - in the "right" circumstances. I'm not saying I agree with it - I don't, but it does happen. However usually it's an impulse response rather than a threat... (I will come to that later).
In the op's case however, the response has mainly been that the op has shown himself to be a bit of an idiot and a lot of a creep. Clearly he likes to indulge in ciber activity with others. Not my thing but to each their own. It seems clear that he's been turned down by this woman, whoever she is (and no, I neither know nor care), and instead of accepting that actually, there are people out there who don't find him charming or worthy of even a pretend shag, has decided to threaten to reveal that she's married and claims to not be into cibering and yet she is.... and so on.
What people do on here is in fact their business, just as long as it doesn't break the law. We might not agree with some of it, but as the site front page says we're not your parents.
It will happen from time to time that users disagree with one another on a personal level and that those disagreements will filter through on to the boards. Again, I don't agree with it, and if disagreements get particularly nasty and of a bullying nature then I do think that action should be taken where appropriate. But on the whole disagreements tend to stay fairly isolated.
However, issuing threats of what you are going to do essentially amounts to blackkmail and will not be tolerated.
I have no idea who this user is, I have no idea what your history with her is, and frankly I don't care.
But if you have real issue with her then take it up with her privately. If she doesn't wish to engage with you (which I suspect might be the case) then that is her perogative. If she's in the states anyway then it's hardly personal is it? You're just a username on a screen...
But if you start issuing threats against her on here either via public board posts or even in private (and she is free to send me any such communication from you if she feels violated) then I will make it my business to deall with you in a manner in which I feel appropriate, be that to delete your communications on here or to remove your access to the site for a period.
In the meantime you are apparently an adult. You might see fit to act like one.
Consider that a warning.
thank you, Claire.
Thank you sugarbaby! You are truly a voice of reason!
Way to go Jess!
Sort of like a certain somebody on the views on rights topic.
Hmm Stengy or Stingy, Now is that I before E or E before I?
You gonna buy me a beer, or share Write? Answer this and I'll correct my spelling and term as well. hahaha
I don't buy beers for people who can't spell...Or speak. sorry wayne. lol
That's not fair. You buy me enough beers and I couldn't spell or speak.
Right! Its just not fair. Lol
Then it's a good thing I don't like beer. You guys can keep them all for yourselves. LOL.
Well, I dont' care if you can speak or spell after the beers, just before. As a prerequesit, you know? lol
BryanT that's because you are probably to busy cybering with maried women from texas. Beer is only for boring buys and girls that don't ccyber.
I think you've got the wrong guy LOL.
As for hypocrites my GF is definitely one. She's been married tree times and claims that te second one, the father of her child in fact, was financially irresponsible, preferring to spend money on video games rather than on diapers and formula for the baby. And yet Sandra does the same ting. Granted diapers and formula aren't a problem anymore since Gracie's seven now, but Sandra still blows her money on scratc tickets and other things, most recently on a scammer pretending to be from Publisher's Clearing House, who promised her almost 900 grand if she sent im a thousad dollars. So she pawned a bunch of her stuff to get that money, which she wired to a bunch of people. I need hardly point out that she didn't get the money she was told she'd won. She's always had this problem from what I hear, and in fact I'm going to end it with her after Cristmas. I wouldn't wait normally but we still have to attend Christmas Eve at my folks' and then Christmas itself at her folks' place. My mom didn't want me to spoil Cristmas for them by telling them they were going to have to find another place to live. Of course I would think that no matter when I told them the holiday would be ruined for them.
I believe most people can be hyprocritical at times. It's best to point it out to someone, rather than be passive aggressive about it. As it has been shown here, that will not work in your favor.
Brian, not to get off-topic here, but how's it going to save their holiday if you break up with your girlfriend after christmas? And isn't it going to be a phoney kind of holiday anyway if you spend christmas eve with your family along with her and then christmas with her family, even though you already know you dont' want to be with her? Talk about phoney memories. That's just going to mess wit the little girl's head, if you ask me. Think of the kid. You're not making it any better for her by prolonging the breakup. You can tell her that they can stay till after christmas if they're living with you; Because you're right, it's not nice to put someone out right at the holidays especially during winter. But why not be streight with her? That seems a bit hipocritical in and of itself.
thanks, write away, for saying what I was coming to myself. she's right, Bryan. why wait? are you doing anyone in this situation any good by taking that avenue? I'd say not.
Wow there's no way to do that one right, I think. I don't know what I would do, but in the end I would feel like somehow I did her / them wrong in the process, but I am rather a teddy bear about these things, for better or worse.
Well, no, its difficult. But, if you're going to split, I suppose do it quickly.
Get it over with. Don't make your holiday miserable, if it is what you want. She may consider it a selfish act, but it's better to be honest and get it over with rather than hang on to a lost cause.
That's pretty much my thought as well you two. I don't see how waiting till after Christmas is going to save the holiday but I'm notthe one who came up with the idea. It was my mom's. They've already made plans based on Sandra and Grace being there with me and bought presents for them as well as me. I'm guessing her folks have done the same.
who's relationship is it, your mom's or yours?
Plus, If i'm correct, you haven't been with this woman long. Surely neither your parents nor hers are putting much stock into the relationship yet. I hate to stick my nose where it doesn't belong, but I think the real victim here is the little girl. If anyone's christmas is going to be ruined, it's hers. either way, you're screwing with her little head, both you and her mom, by having gotten into the relationship quickly, moving things along, going so far as involving each other with one another's families, and now you realize she's not a good partner for you.
Certainly, you have the right to break it off with her, and if I were in your shoes, from what you've posted about her on here, I would do the same thing without hesitation. But I think it's unfortunate that she had to involve her kid so thoroughly into a relationship that was fairly new. That was irresponsible on her part as a mother. And maybe not the wisest thing for you either. Just think of that little girl and think of how many relationships of her mom's she's probably going to be exposed to by the time she's an adult herself. How many times she'll be disappointed, disallusioned, confused, even how many times her little heart is going to be broken. I know this doesn't change things, and it shouldn't. I'm sorry for the rant; It just bothers me when a kid gets dragged into their parents unstable love lives though. I feel their pain personally because I used to be that kid. I grew up with a single mom, and though my mom was a responsible parent and I was her priority, she had her "fools-rush-in moments too, and it didnt' do a world of good for me when she'd meet someone, fall fast and hard and move forward at lightning speed, only to crash and burn just as fast.
I think no one advocates for the kids who get mixed up in their parents and their partners relationships. And the adults forget to think twice about what the kid might be subjected to for their lack of careful forethought. People feel that they can have a normal shot at a relationship when one or both parties have a preexisting kid, so to speak, but the truth of the matter is, if you choose to involve your kid, or your new partner does, there should be at least some determination that this person will stick around longer than for just a few months or a few years even. it's not fair to the kids to meet mom's new boyfriend, get attached to him and then have mom's new boyfriend split for one reason or another. Kids need stability; Their little fragile hearts and minds shouldn't have to understand or experience that type of setback in their short little lives. not yet. My advice for anyone is, please, think twice about involving yourself with someone who has a kid, for the kid's sake. Unless you're sure you want to be with that person, don't get the kid involved at the very least. Date casually if you must, get to know someone, but leave the kid out of it till you know more about whether you want it for the long-term.
couldn't have said it better myself. if you're gonna worry about messing up anyone's holiday, Bryan, you oughta be concerned with the little girl, not your girlfriend who's a grown woman, who can deal with those grownup emotions.
Um, guys? He's 32, I'm pretty sure the girl is older than twelve. I'm willing to bet she's an adult and can handle these kinds of things. You keep calling her little girl like she's fourteen and getting her heart broken for the first time. Pretty sure she can handle a break up relatively well. Assuming, that is, Brian isn't robbing the cradle here or anything. Its probable they're both adults and mature enough to handle break ups. Just sayin'.
actually, taken from his original post,
"Granted diapers and formula aren't a problem anymore since Gracie's
seven now, "
thank you, Anthony. I was just about to look up that post again, where he stated the kid's age, if someone else hadn't already done so.
Plus, maybe its not his mom's relationship, but she thought about the fact when he decides to end it they'll have to move.
I'd not want to be in the place to have the child being taken anyplace during this season if it is something they celebrate. Call it what you like, but I'd wait until after.
Next, its silly not to get involved with a woman, or now days, a man, because they have kids. I suppose the best you can do, is be as good to the kids as possible, and not allow your adultness to effect them as best you can.
Kids aren't as fragile as we think, provided we level with them. You can tell them this has nothing to do with you at all. If you've formed an attachment with the child, and his or her parent doesn't mind, continue the friendship.
A parent can't keep themselves from relationships because they have kids. I, for one, have needs, so again leveling with the kid or kids is simply best. I have a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, but we will always be a family no matter what happens with us.
Saddly,but the facts, he isn't responsible for her relationship with her child, nor is he responsible for her having to move after the relationship ends. She'll have to deal with her daughter. I do again feel his mother, gave him some sound advice however. It won't hurt to wait.
I appologize, it sounded like you were refering to the girlfriend in the post, not the daughter. My mistake.
he isn't fully responsible for the kid, but that doesn't exclude him from doing his best to take her feelings into consideration, either. I don't agree with this notion that the kid is somehow meaningless because it isn't her relationship. as was said by write away, people don't tend to think about what instability that creates for him/her, and that's where we're coming from.
I disagree Wayne. Adults have needs. sure. but a kid has a mind not yet developed. And while you, as an adult can have needs and feed them too, you dont' have to drag your child or the child of your partner into them. Too many people haphazardly have kids and then they think, woe, wait a minute here. I have needs too. Oops. should have thought of that before you made a kid, buddy. lol
Now I'm not saying that people shouldn't get into relationships after they have a kid, nor am I saying that as a parent, your life should end. But while you can level with a kid and be streight with them, there are some things their little minds will not be mature enough to understand. sure, they'll tell you they get it. They'll tell you that it's all right. but kids are the best secret keepers, especially when it comes to their own confusion. sure, they display their emotions openly, but a kid will do most anything to please his parents in the personal sense, especially if their the kid of a single parent. Also, when a kid says they understand something as complicated as a casual adult relationship, you have to think twice about how they really interpret it. You said, tell your kids that I may have a boyfriend or girlfriend but we will always be family... well, what about later on when boyfriend turns to husband. Hey. listen to this new guy here. he's your stepdaddy now. Not my boyfriend anymore. He's in charge of your discipline now as much as I am. And then, should that new stepdaddy not stick around, back to boyfriends, and then maybe a new step daddy... you get the picture.
You say kids aren't as fragile as we think, maybe so, but why force them to grow up faster than they need to. We as parents need to protect a little one's childhood, they only have one such phase in their life. I vote for keeping the child from having to deal with complicated unnecessary adult-related emotions while their little at least. Whatever happened to the childhood of yesterday, where kids were being kids and climbing trees and playing tag, instead of trying to make sense of mom or dad's love life.
And I also dont' think it's as easy as saying, I split up with the mom, but i'll still be ther for teh kid. that rarely, if ever happens. too many emotions get in the way, and most often the parent prevents that sort of relationship. so it's not as easy. and if I'm correct, most men who aren't the baby's father prefer not to get into a battle that resembles a fight for custody, even in the slightest sense.
I think parents should choose to be wiser. there's so much we already have to do for our kids, but we forget that they're our responsibility to the extent that they come first, and we should keep them in mind as much, perhaps even more than our needs sometimes.
Unfortunately not everyone has that philosophy. My father and stepmother always said their marriage comes before the kids.
Kids may not understand fully when things like that happen, but they are not clueless as parents offten think. They know when something is different, even at the age of seven.
Actually, that's not a very different filosophy from what I'm trying to explain. If you have a stable marriage, and you've worked on it and are in a good place and you happen to be raising kids, then yes, it's safe to say that your marriage should be put before your kids, at least in some senses. a kid will thrive in a happy home where a set of parents is as much a coupel as they are mom and dad. And you need time and effort to make a committed relationship work. As I said in a different board fairly recently, every good relationship needs maintenence. so in some circumstances, yes, the marriage does come first. and yes, this can be as much for the kid as for yourself and for the spouse.
My parrents split up when I was 5. even then, I was happy about it. My dad was very abusive and distructive. after they split up, he would drive by the house and shoot through the windows. It was a pretty scarey time.
My oppinions do not extend to abusive situations. In abusivesituations, the best thing for everyone is a split. Abusive people don't deserve to, and aren't ready to be in relationships.
I don't think kids should dictate a marriage in any way. That said, I think both parties should always be in tune with how the kids are feeling, how they're doing in school, whether any behaviors from the parents change any of these patterns, ETC. I think this is especially true in a marriage with a step parent. I have heard horror stories about kids being abused when their real parent isn't around, and everyone hides it so well that the parent doesn't notice. I'm not saying the parent is free from all liability here, but if the kid seems genuinely bothered, this should get the attention it deserves, at least until you can uncover the source of the discomfort.
As a kid with a step parent I can tell you that it is always more of an adjustmint. I agree that nobody has the right to dictate a marage but let me tell you, the temptation is there.
When my mom remarried and they would get in to a fight, she'd tell me that the only reason she maried the guy was because he seemed like he would be good to me. She once asked me if it was time for her to get a divorce. I really don't think kids should be put in that situation either way. She was supposed to be the adult. I didn't much care for being the kid who was blamed for her unhappiness. It's not like she came to me and said, "This guy seems like he'll be really good to you. Should I marry him?"
I don't say we shouldn't take care of a childs emotional well being, and that was why I agreed with the posters mom on her wait until the holiday was over.
However, I don't believe in cutting my life off because I have a child. There are plenty of ways to date, and not bring your relationship in to your home. If you should decide to take a person in as your live in lover, that person should be aware you have a child and you should learn how that person and your child match.
Pretty much any adult that is kind and fair to a child will be fine. Now if you and that adult start to not get along, explain to the child she or he is moving.
I also personally wouldn't take my child to live in someones elses home unless I really had no choice. A child need there home to be stable as possible, and I couldn't ever be sure I'd not have to move at some point.
Saddly folks, even marriage doesn't cover this, so this is why I say live your life, because you can bet when that child grows up there going to live there life.
The posters a real man in my opinion to think about the little girl. I hope it went well.
Wayne, moving a partner into a child's home automatically makes it a less stable environment for them, not just moving the child into teh new partner's home. I'm only saying this because, while I see your points, and I get where you're coming from, I also know two people very close to me who have been on the other side of the coin--the child's side. Not everyone who is agreeable and kind wil do well for any child; Remember, everyone's perception of fair and kind are different. And no matter what you say, most step parents aren't going to become as invested and feel as much love for the stepchild as their own parents. And I'm talking about the kind of parents who actually love and care for their children, mind you . I understand taht not all biological parents care for their kids like they should. But for those that do, no step parents is ever going to compare. And especially not in the beginning, when the bond is being established.
Unfortunately, some parents do overlook how their kid gets on with their partner, and that's the problem. What's more important here: a kid who is yours for life, like it or not, or a partner who may come and go?
Well, on the step parent I disagree. It is not being a "step" that makes you worse it is your liking or not for kids. A step parent can love a child just as much as a birth parent, and many times a male person will become a child father over the actual dad, or sperm doner.
It is not his fault her mother decided to move in with him, nor is it his fault their not getting along, in the case of her having a child.
You can't say a child will grow up best no matter what you do or don't do for them. Some turn out fine, others don't. I know some people also that have come from what I'd call bad homes, but they are well adjusted and fine people, and I know others that have come from the best of homes that have turned out to be jail birds, so you tell me why that is?
Again, I say he's doing the better thing, or did it.
You have a small child, so here is my question?
What are you going to do if your relationship get bad and ends? Are you going to wait until your baby is an adult before you start to date again? Will you cut off your life, and never get close to another man, because it may or may not work out and be bad for your child? Answer me this?
I hear what you are saying. However, the step parent will always be seen as an outsider no matter how good they are with the child.
I disagree. I have both instances in my own life.
My stepmother I hate. That's just plain and simple. I didn't turn out bad for it. I just hate my stepmother. People can hate their parents too, it doesn't mean they'll turn out badly.
My stepfather I love, he is my father in my eyes. We may not always see eye to eye, but he is still like a father to me. It all depends on the person. If the person is willing to try, as my stepfather was, then there is a good chance it will work out.
People don't give kids enough credit. They are indestructible things. As long as the parent of the child doesn't let the new boyfriend or girlfriend take over entirely, and the parent remembers that they are first and foremost a parent, the child will be fine. Kids have gone through much worse than a break up and been fine with it.
Sure, the first couple weeks or months may be difficult. They may be sad, but you can't go through life expecting that your child will never be sad. As the child of a divorce and two stepparents, I can tell you that the child will be fine in the end if you love them. That's the biggest thing, love your kids.
Exactly.
I do, however, think, and have had the experience that women never feel that another man is as good as her childs biological dad. Even if the sperm doner was a pig, you'll never measure up no matter what you do, or in my experience.
So, maybe she's right, because if she thinks so, it will be so.
I'm not saying its wrong, just not right, if that makes sense?
If the step dad is better give him the credit.
For the record I was indeed more concerned about the little girl and not her mother. In fact I could care less about the mom's Christmas or any other holiday right about now, particularly after some things I found out she did while we were together. But these were things she used to accuse her x husbands of doing, particularly the second one. And se was always so loud in her accusations that I couldn't help getting suspicious deep down.
That just screams run for the hills right there.
I will never be a stepdad, period. I am a dad, of an 18-year-old. But I know how hard stepdads have worked, and no man can measure up to all the faults of the woman's father, let alone measure up to the faults of her ex, build a relationship with the kids and thereby upset the applecart that is her domain. It is a true situation of damned if you do, damned if you don't. I don't know how you resolve this, I know only that I am not competent to that challenge. A man is no pussy who appraises a challenge and admits it's greater than his means and walks away.
Maybe it has to do with women having that first love. If they have a baby with him, well that just compounds the feelings.
He could have been a dog, and they admit this, but the step dad just never measures up if they decide he can't.
I'm not saying this is always the case, but right here, we see a woman saying exactly that.
Some do see a good step parent for what he is, but I've experienced the latter.
ah, but what if the father of the woman's child is not her first love?
As I say, I don't know what causes this. Maybe its having the first baby with a man even if he's not around? I have no idea.
Wayne, you dont' make sense. I wasnt' talking about the father of a baby not being around. You make not an ounce of sense right now, sorry pal. lol
If you are a step parent, or whatever, where is the daddy? Makes sense to me?
You stated a step parent or adult in a childs life that wasn't its natural parent could never be as good to the child as the natural parent. I strongly disagreed.
If you need to take a parenting role, seems to me the natural parent is not around? In my case that be the daddy, because I'm not gay, so my mate would be female?
Yes, makes sense to me.
I think he meant that sometimes, not always but it certainly does happen, the mother herself feels that way and, even if they never come right out and say it they'll still treat the stepdad in a way that makes their views clear.
In my case they've come right out and said so. Even after I've done everything for the child except help conceive it. Smile.
The step parent will always be seen as not the actual biological parent--because they're not. They will always be an outsider.
Sad, but true. Shouldn't be that way though.
Would've should've could've oughta write a book, son.
Sadly what Margorp is saying is just how it is. To that end, I would never be a step parent, and this is especially true if you're a man. Don't do it, boys.
what's the difference, leo. A woman as a step parent is a tough walk in the park too. The woman has to contend with the resentful biological mom in most cases, and the kids don't want mom to be "replaced" so to speak, even more than they don't want dad to be replaced. I mean, let's face it. If you've grown up in a stable hom, with mom and dad in tact together adn suddenly they break up, as a kid you hate seeing either of your parents with someone else, male or female. Of course, this is probably different if parents were a total disaster together or if one was being abusive toward the other and the kids, but generally, no one likes to see their family fall apart. And like it or not, step mom or step dad will be viewed as an outsider and even a homewrecker in some cases, no matter how far from the truth it may be. I mean, come on. ever heard of the evil stepmother? there's a reason for why so many stories sprung up throughout history with that sort of character portrayal.
Well, I think a woman, specially if the child is small has a really good chance at him or her falling in love providing she's a mother type. It just works.
Men that marry again never compare the woman to their exes if they want to stay married, so it doesn't happen.
Females for some reason talk about it, and as I have said tell you you're a good man, but "He or she needs their daddy."
Men don't give a care specially when the woman has left the family. That new woman, if she's sweet wears the crown, and that's a fact. She rapps the family around her loving fingers and holds them all in the palm of her sweet hand.
The mother becomes the outsider.
Even myself, I have little respect for a mother that leaves her kids for any reason, so I'm surrely not going to be praising her.